Weapons of mass deception

This article appeared in the March 14, 2008 issue of the Royal. It has since been updated to reflect current facts and statistics.

Afraid you won’t know what to do in a life or death situation? Fear not, we’re here to help you in the event of any emergency. Here are some handy, affordable and readily available items that can be useful in any threatening situation.

Pepper spray.     Since mace is technically illegal to use on someone even if they are attacking you, depend on this handy alternative instead. Some pepper sprays come conveniently in a little lipstick tube or on a keychain. What could be more accessible? It’s sure to blind your attacker for a few seconds. Who knows, maybe he’ll even fall down bleachers like Rob Schneider in Hot Chick.

Purses.     Ah, a woman’s closest companion. Finally, we have a great excuse for lugging around so much make-up, perfume, accessories and electronic equipment in our little, overstuffed Coach purses. Just whack your potential attacker with that puppy and you’ll be sure to send him flying into the next dimension—hell see stars. Please note that LittleEarth recycled license plate purses are great for this too—they’re completely made of metal!

Chemistry book.     Okay, so it doesn’t have to be a chem book .Any textbook will work in reality. Just remember that human faces are soft and smooshy, while books are…well…just the opposite. Start swinging that book left and right and don’t stop till you can get away from the attacker.

Keys.     Not only are these readily accessible to every college student out there, they’re dangerous as well. Just use your keys next time someone tries to grab you. What do you do with keys, you ask? Stab them, or punch them with the keys between your fingers. It’s sure to leave a mark.

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